The BIG mini attack

The Mini Cooper has been around for a while now but its popularity shows no sign of dwindling. Its funky design, cool yuppie image, peppy performance and nimble handling have made sure it has stayed as desirable as ever.

So successful was the original redesign of the new Mini in the early part of the 2000s that the current shape - with its chrome accents, two-tone paintwork and sporty “wheel at each corner” stance - has changed little. Think of how Porsche design changes have remained evolutionary rather than revolutionary and you’ll get what I mean.

However, the Mini is about to have the niche in the market that it essentially owned populated by eagerly anticipated models from Audi (the A1) and Citroёn (the DS3).



The press kits from Audi and Citroёn will say something along the lines of “designed for young urbanites in need of something stylish, fun and techno-savvy” but actually, these two cars were designed solely to crash the Mini’s party.



Both cars arrive at opportune times for both manufacturers. Audi is riding a wave of success earned from the successful release of models such as the dramatic R8 and the slinky A5. Citroёn is currently enjoying a revival with the French manufacturer releasing a flood of new models which all have that unique brand of Citroёn quirkiness that’s been missing for way too long.

The reason Mini should be worried is that both these new cars, quite simply, look damn good. Striking lines are common to both and they’re loaded with the very latest gadgets.

Both also follow on from the Mini in being incredibly customisable, a clear indication of the younger audience that they hope to attract. An impressive example of this is the DS3’s roof which can be specified with a number of specially designed decals.

Also, whilst remaining compact in appearance, both the Audi and Citroёn are actually larger and therefore more practical than the Mini.

Apparently, adults can actually sit in the back seat as opposed to neatly folding themselves up in there. The DS3 should arrive in South Africa next month while the A1 will make its entrance early next year.

While both lack the irresistible iconic cachet of the Mini brand, they’re certain to instil more than a few nerves into the BMW-made hatchback.

The big Mini attack has begun and it’s going to be interesting to see if the Cooper’s grip on its segment of the market will remain as strong as the hugely entertaining way it grips the road.

“I love the way you drive; will you marry me?”

Cars have often been described as an extension of one’s personality but could it in fact be your driving style that’s the more accurate reflection of who you are?

I absolutely believe it is.

Recently, I met a guy at a braai and we got talking about road rage. He has done some pretty insane things on the road at various times like attempting to beat up a typically vulgar taxi driver.
As he chatted about his catalogue of dangerous escapades on the road, I didn’t deny that any of it was anything less than the absolute truth. The guy was cool and friendly, but he always looked on the verge of beating someone up as we spoke. There was a decidedly manic glint in his eyes.

My own driving style is aligned quite perfectly to my personality; hurried, impatient, easily unsettled and yet, never willing to cross the line (excuse the pun).
I will never jump out of my car to beat someone up (a decision easily made by my pitifully small and unthreatening size). I don’t tend to break the rules in everyday life, so I tend not to jump red robots or burst into the front of that endless queue of cars turning off the M5 as everyone from the southern suburbs scurry to Canal Walk…
I’ve also never gotten a parking ticket in my life. None of which means I don’t spend most of my time gritting my teeth while driving.

A colleague of mine is another prime example. A more feisty and impatient “dynamite in a small package” specimen you are unlikely to find. On the road, she and her trusty Citi Golf make for a lethal combination, creating gaps where there appear to be none. An adept multi-tasker in the office, she somehow combines driving with SMSing, changing her shoes and berating everything and anything that dare to slow down her not inconsiderable velocity.

My sister is cautious, considerate and vigilant on the road. Overall, a wise and measured approach to driving that mirrors her general approach to life.
Her husband, dubbed a fair bit OCD by the family, expertly navigates his way around potholes with the precision of an architect completing his final draft for a multimillion dollar construction.

One of my best friends is learning to drive and recently found herself driving in the lane facing oncoming traffic without realising it, despite the oncoming car barrelling down on her.
These and other bizarre transgressions on the road would be inexplicable were it not for her colourful, emotional, vivid, marginally haphazard and infectious personality.

All of these coincidences were really fascinating to me. The way we walk into a room, give a presentation, deal with a crisis or dress ourselves are all influenced by personality and now, we can add driving style to that list.
Consider your own character and the way you drive and you may be startled by the similarities.

Maybe next time you’re on a first date, start off by taking him or her for a drive and hand them your car keys.
That should save you from having to figure them out over a laborious and awkward two-hour dinner date.

More time to fail

The South African transport department announced on Monday that learner’s licences will now be valid for two years instead of the previous 18 months.
The department also saw fit to extend testing hours for driver’s licences to 5pm on Saturdays and from 7am until 1pm on Sundays.

All of which should be great news. After all, the process for acquiring your driver’s licence in this country is renowned for its incredible inefficiency.

Well, I’m of the opinion that these latest announcements are actually rubbish and an admission of a serious fault.
The transport department is in fact saying that the service they’re currently offering is so poor that 18 months is too little time to get your driver’s licence and that you need at least two years - factoring in a few laughable failures along the way - to get that plastic card with an awful black and white image of you plucked on it.

These new time extensions don’t address the fundamental issues pertaining to getting your licence. The primary one is K53, the “defensive-orientated” style of driving that we’re all taught and that’s apparently the safest.
It is nothing more than a style of driving designed to make you fail. Checking blind spots every 8 seconds, reversing like a fool while surrounded by poles, pulling up your handbrake constantly and generally frustrating the hell out of all other drivers doesn’t constitute safe driving.

It is obvious that everyone stops using K53 immediately when they pass their drivers test. I failed twice and the first time, the vastly overweight cop that angrily failed me and drove me back to the testing centre certainly didn’t do his observations.

Consider this; I have 3 close friends who have all fallen victim to our driver testing system. Add me to the equation and we’ve failed a combined 14 times. Driving lessons are now something like R150 each. It’s R100 just to apply for your test if memory serves me correctly.
My point is that we’ve spent a revolting amount of money desperately trying to get our licences. How less fortunate people without the luxury of repeatedly trying over and over again are able to cope is beyond me.

Driving tests need to be adjusted to in fact be a test of basic driving skill and the ability to control a vehicle rather than a series of convoluted procedures and rules one has to follow.

Until then, no amount of misguiding government talk will stop me from believing that more time to fail your driver’s licence is really all we’ve been offered.

The Last Citi - A final goodbye

There comes a point in time when you eventually have to replace all your favourite things in the world.

That pair of 501 Levi jeans that you’ve worn for a decade has faded so much that it makes Nicole Kidman appear warm and inviting. Your Nokia’s 1.3 megapixel camera just isn’t cutting it anymore when you’re snapping away at your bored colleagues on a lethargic Friday afternoon. Your All Stars can only survive so much club-hopping and stomping around Canal Walk before the sole wears away and the white band at the side detaches itself from the material of the shoe… a deeply depressing affair that many of us have no doubt encounted.

Pretty much everything has a life cycle, and so too do cars. The Audi A3 you see today will be replaced by a new model next year. The much-loved, current model VW Polo has been around since 2002 and will be replaced imminently.

These life cycles last as little as 5 or so years for more common models and up to 10 or more for more classic, exclusive models such as the new Beetle (funny that we still call it the “new” Beetle when it has been around for so long).

How then, has the Volkswagen Citi-Golf managed to stick around for almost 30 years? How many things can you think of that were designed 30 years ago that still hold appeal today?

The evolution of an icon

Frankly, I’m relieved that the Citi has passed on. Constantly changing trends, advances in technology and a far greater emphasis on safety means that this blocky hatch has for too long been way overpriced compared to what’s available out there.

Sure, the Citi still has character aplenty and is nippy and fun to abuse over a series of bends. It is also inexpensive and easy to maintain. These factors, as well as VW’s never-ending improvements to the range and several really brilliant marketing campaigns over the years all account for the model’s continued success.

But I am a believer in modern design and technological prowess. If you’re willing to be seen in a Kia, then a Picanto kills the Citi in almost all aspects. It looks great and the indicator lenses don’t look as though they’ve been screwed on in somebody’s garage.

The Picanto’s doors are actually thicker than a page, in stark contrast to the Citi. It is also far safer and will very likely save you an extra limb or two in the chance of an accident (the latest Citi-Golf’s were fitted with a driver airbag, fairly useless when the rest of the car will come crumbling down around you).

More importantly, the Picanto doesn’t encourage grossly offensive modifications in the form of oversized spoilers, wheels so large that the tires mate regularly with the bodywork, suspension so low that you can’t live in an area with speed bumps and filters / exhaust systems so noisy that they, well, make you look like an idiot.

The Citi Mk 1

Despite all that, I won’t deny that the Citi is an integral, if flawed, component of South African motoring culture. Many keep going for years and years. Labels such as Chico, Citi Life, VeloCiti and the famous, 1.8-litre CTi from the 90’s will never be forgotten. People fall in love with these cars in the same way those that bought an E30 325iS BMW do.

One can’t attach a price to such emotion and nostalgia. So if you’re lucky enough to have purchased one of the final 1000 Citi-Golf’s dubbed the “Mk 1”, know that you’re driving an irreplaceable, iconic piece of motoring history.

Why expensive cars are so... expensive

As a car enthusiast, I’m often called upon by others to explain just why it is that new cars cost so much. People want to know why a new, middle-of-the-road sedan such as a Toyota Corolla costs R175 000 for the cheapest model in the range.


They want to know why the 30-year old design of the recently deceased Citi-Golf resulted in the sportier models costing over R100 000. More commonly, people want to know why on earth luxury German cars are so far out of reach because of their excessive prices.

I’ll be the first to admit that often, I am stumped as to how to justify the cost of these four-wheeled wonders that we simply can’t do without. Many are ridiculously overpriced.

And then this past weekend, it all made sense. Well, some of it.

I had the fantastic opportunity to drive a virtually brand new BMW 335i Coupe Steptronic. It is one of my personal dream machines and a vehicle defined by orgasmic numbers: 3-litre engine, twin turbo chargers, 0-100km/h in about 5,5 seconds and, as of December 2009… a R617 700 price tag.

335i is more than just a pretty face

Over R600 000 for what many will describe simply as a “fast, nice” car. Yet what so many people without a penchant for motoring often overlook is the substance in the detail.
True motoring aficionados (and admittedly those with a healthy balance in their bank account), see so much more in their prized possessions than a chunk of metal bolted onto four wheels.

It’s the same as an artist that only buys their materials from the most exclusive stationery store and not the CNA at KC, even though that painting of the sea through a quaint kitchen’s window will probably end up looking pretty much the same.
Or, by the same token, it’s the reason that an IT guru spends hundreds of rands more on a wireless mouse with an ergonomically designed shape with grippy supports for your hands when it essentially does the same job as an R80 version that you can grab at Clicks.

So with that in mind, allow me to try and justify the price tag of a luxury sports car like the 335i.

Its engine is a masterpiece, being incredibly potent, aurally pleasing when pressing on, whisper-quiet when cruising, and with not a hint of lag when accelerating. The small turbo charger operates at low engine speeds and the larger one takes over at higher speeds – an exceptional technological rarity in engine design.

Unbeknown to many, award-winning engines like these aren’t conceptualised, designed and produced overnight; the best materials are used and the most incredibly adept engineers spend hours, days, weeks and more perfecting its every detail. To put into production an engine of this complexity requires far greater resources, skill and time than an engine in Corollas, Corsas, Golfs and even some cheaper BMWs and Mercs.

To the chassis we go, then. The suspension is supple when you’re in a relaxed mood but sporty when you aren’t. Turning the wheel is effortless and the sharp responses of the car make it feel like a much smaller machine. A Tazz feels way more cumbersome and is just over half the weight of this BMW.

Inside the car, I’m going to ignore the very long list of ultra-modern features fitted to it and focus on the basics.
Unlike “normal” cars, the 335i doesn’t rattle or squeak at all (and it will likely continue to not rattle or squeak for many more years to come).
Nothing in the interior that shouldn’t move, moves. All the plastics have a classy and cushioned feel without the cheap, shiny, hard textures of lesser vehicles.

When you go over bumps, you don’t feel it reverberating through the steering wheel.

The sound of the indicator clicking can be heard, but it’s distant and somehow just not as annoying as in your car. The roof-mounted grab handles float back into position after use whereas the same items in your car snap back into position with a hard, loud bang.

Shifting into drive, you don’t feel the car physically changing gear. Only the illuminated electronic display tells you what the transmission is doing.

I could go on and on. All the things I’ve just mentioned are tiny when taken in isolation and will be mostly unnoticed by the average passenger. Together, however, they allow for an extremely comfortable machine designed to make your journey a most pleasurable one; a representation of precision engineering at its best. And notably, it isn’t a remotely cheap undertaking to produce a car as refined as the 335i.

I emerged from the car feeling like I could spend days exploring its every astonishing detail.

On a more sane level, a Toyota Auris is more expensive than a Toyota Yaris for a reason other than it being larger. The Auris is quieter, smoother, and more attention has been given to it to make it feel like the more costly car that it is.
In every price range across all manufacturers, these subtle yet significant differences can be seen and help account for the sharp rise in price as you go further up the scale.

Yes, I can hear many of you shouting in fury about all this refinement mumbo jumbo and the “experience” that a car provides; it is essentially about getting from A to B and in that regard, the atrocious new Chinese cars do the same job as the BMW for a lot less cash.
And it’s also true that many of the people driving around in flashy cars like the 335i bought it for a reason that’s not nearly as tangible as those that I’ve mentioned. They have no clue what has gone into producing their pride and joy.

What absolutely can’t be denied, however, is that the few fortunate individuals able to afford these dream machines are paying a hell of a lot of money for a hell of a lot of the best that man can offer them in the shape of a car.

Seems like a fair trade to me.

The (absolute) idiot’s guide to safer driving

Every year, thousands of lives could be easily spared were people to follow a few very simple rules of the road.

These rules are as obvious to some as the need to brush their teeth twice per day. Sadly, some people are plagued by cavities as deep as the Grand Canyon and incisors that could double as the colour of the contents in a bottle of Coleman’s Mustard.

Hence the need for the idiot’s guide to safer driving:

1. Wear your seatbelt

The seatbelt is the vinyl, black band that hangs alongside the seat in any car. It was designed in the late 1800s by a chap named George Cayley and is designed to hold you in place and prevent you from involuntarily flying out of your car in the event of a serious collision (a “collision” is when your car makes impromptu contact with another car or object and is also known as an “accident”).

Seatbelts can be identified by a shimmering silver buckle attached to it. Note that this buckle is not an aesthetic enhancement to your vehicle but is to be looped over your body and plugged into a socket next to the seat,. The socket itself is identifiable by a strip of red-hued plastic.

2. Lock your doors

Yes, car doors can be locked from the inside of your car too. Now, you may wonder why you’d want to lock your door if you’re already inside the car?

Well, a phenomenon called hijacking has proven as popular as passive smoking in the day and age we find ourselves inhabiting. The offenders – called “hijackers” or “thieves” - force you out of your car and steal it. The trendy “smash ‘n grab” is yet another recreational activity enjoyed by these bandits; here, your belongings are snatched off your seat through the window that has just been smashed.

Unlocked doors further provoke both activities as, believe it or not, unlocked doors can be opened. The doors can be locked by depressing mini levers on each door – to open again, pinch the lever and pull upwards.


3. Use indicators (ideally when turning)

Indicators are the flashing orange lights on cars (i.e. not the white or red ones). Indicators were named after the word “indicate”, which the English Oxford Dictionary defines as to point out, make known or show.
In the same light (excuse the pun), car indicators were designed to point out, make known and show your intention to turn.

Crucially, indicators are to be used before actually turning (just as you would point to a black Porsche 911 Turbo Tiptronic before you expect your disinterested girlfriend to turn her head and look at it).
Left indicators can be activated by depressing the indicator stalk, and the rights by doing the opposite (this varies from car to car).

4. Check blindspots

Blindspots are not actual spots (like those on a Dalmation) with the word “blind” inscribed on it. They are areas of your rearward vision which your rear-view side mirrors are not able to capture.

Blindspots can be found by turning your body in the direction you wish to turn, checking for cars, horse carts or Golden Arrow busses barrelling down at 50km/h faster than you, and then executing the manoeuvre you had planned.

Checking blindspots is an act which can be likened in significance to using your headlights at 11pm while traversing Chapman’s Peak. In other words, it’s fairly extremely vital.

5. Don’t drive drunk

Again, let’s refer to the English Oxford Dictionary to lend us a hand here. It defines “drunk” as someone who is intoxicated or inebriated. This means you’re unable to function as your normal, temperate self and that your senses are severely compromised. Essentially, you may convince yourself that you know what’s going on, but you actually really don’t.

Intoxicated individuals will likely not remember to wear their seatbelt, lock their doors, use the right indicator at the right time or locate their mirrors, let alone investigate the whereabouts of their blindspots.

Sadly, all this means that we’re all essentially surrounded by hoards of drunk drivers from twilight to dawn to noon and back again.

A decade of daring to be different

It’s been said that a great design is one that polarises opinion, dividing onlookers into two distinct camps; those who love it and those who absolutely loathe it.
As another decade draws to a close, I took a look at some of the most controversial, mass-produced car designs to hit our pothole-afflicted roads over the last 10 years.

This list is in no particular order.

E65 BMW 7 SERIES (Launch year: 2001)

BMW has always been an exciting brand that often gets people talking animatedly, but this model of their luxury 7 Series absolutely shocked the world with its radical design.

Chris Bangle, BMW’s chief designer at the time, kicked off BMWs new design direction with this 7 Series and if his only goal was to cause one heck of a stir, then he hit the bull’s eye.

Unfortunately for BMW, this 7 Series will probably forever hold the title of its most widely criticised model. Motoring journalists and car testers everywhere generally hated the “eyebrow” lookalike headlamps, clamshell boot lid and new-age technological features found inside the car.

What do I think? While it certainly wasn’t a classically beautiful design, I found it immensely cool and with an unmatched presence on the road. Its extremely advanced control interface has mostly been copied by other brands and BMW has gradually simplified the controls to the point where current Beemers are drastically ergonomically improved.


HONDA CIVIC HATCHBACK (Launch year: 2006)

The current Civic is a dramatic change from the model that preceded it. Seemingly inspired by the art of origami, the Civic is all about sharp lines and angles.



The front end has a somewhat bizarre strip of plastic that gives the illusion that you’re looking at one large headlight that stretches across the entire front-end of the car. The rear mimics this and includes a sporty fin integrated into the back window.

The interior is no less controversial, with a very space age feel to the controls.

The Civic has been generally accepted as a brave move by Honda and a thoroughly unique hatchback that hasn’t really had its practicality affected by the design.
In fact, it’s one of the most spacious vehicles in its class.

I think it’s truly stunning and makes the Golf look truly dull.


MERCEDES-BENZ CLS (Launch year: 2004)

Mercedes-Benz has generally reserved its design flair for its more niche sports models such as the SLK.

Then, they designed the CLS.

A car with all the performance, luxury and most of the practicality of a regular Merc but one that Batman wouldn’t mind using as a courtesy car while his Batmobile went in for a service.



I’m not a huge fan of Mercedes design, but I think this car is gorgeous and slightly scary. In black and with tinted windows, it must make for the ultimate getaway machine.



FIAT MULTIPLA (Launch year: 1998)

Yes, the Mulipla first went for sale in 1998, but I simply couldn’t exclude it from this list.
Fiats emanate from the same passionate country that produces Ferraris, so a bit of design flair here and there was always part and parcel of Fiat’s range of cars.




The Multipla was launched not too long after the Renault Scenic as a rival MPV (multi-purpose vehicle).

It was said to be designed around the 6 passengers it could accommodate, and this is clear upon entering the expansive interior. In those terms, Fiat produced a winner.

But the exterior was another story. Some found it endearing (judging by its impressive sales figures, or perhaps they just felt sorry for the poor thing…) but most agreed that the combination of 6 circular lights stacked in pairs at the front, oddly proportioned and oversized windows and a dumpy rear-end made for one of the ugliest vehicles ever seen.


BMW X6 (Launch year: 2008)

Still relatively new, the X6 takes 4X4 and sports car and moulds them together into one extreme package.




It looks spectacular from every angle and is absolutely huge, but can’t accommodate any more people and their stuff than a Toyota Corolla can.

Still, it is a beautiful beast in my eyes and has proven to be a positive image-builder for BMW.


CHRYSLER PT CRUISER (Launch year: 2000)

For most of its life, the Chrysler PT has been burdened with a lacklustre engine that did absolutely nothing to match the vehicle’s personality.
That said, its appearance had many doing double-takes when it was released.


It looks like its come straight out of the 20s and had been modified to fit in with 21st century design cues.
Much of its novelty has by now worn off, but I think it looks awesome and would make any kid proud if they’re dropped off at school in it.


RENAULT MEGANE II (Launch year: 2002)

The Megane had to fend off the class-leading Golf and therefore had to be something special (and to be honest, the same holds true to this day).



Renault probably realised it couldn’t match the Golf based purely on how good the car was, so they drew upon their charismatic French roots and came up with what was a mould-breaking design at the time.

Everybody was talking about the tiny but incredibly eye-catching rear window and the Megane’s shapely butt. I thought it was incredible in 2003 and now, well, it’s merely quite nice. Amazing how one’s perspective changes in a few short years.


BMW 1 SERIES (Launch year: 2004)

Yes, I know. I’m making mention of yet another BMW. But the truth is that this decade saw a raft of radically different BMWs finding their way onto our roads.






The 1 Series would have been controversial no matter what it looked like. 10 years ago, the mere concept of BMW producing a hatchback to compete with the Golf would have been as shocking as Porsche building a 4X4 and yet, both ideas have seen fruition today.

The 1 Series was BMWs first dedicated hatchback (the 3 Series Compact was the closest the company had previously gotten).
The brand new model was widely criticised for its strange looks and lack of interior space, but was widely praised for its strange looks and riveting dynamics.

I think it’s overpriced and that the cheaper models are underpowered but that it’s a sporty, funky car and a worthy first attempt from BMW in this segment of the market.


PORSCHE CAYENNE (Launch year: 2002)

Porsche has staked its claim as the maker of the perfect sports car in the shape of the technically, aesthetically and passionately perfect 911. For them to risk producing a 4X4 was an idea that many found difficult to stomach.



However, Porsche is also known for hardly ever putting a foot wrong, and the Cayenne has become a success for the brand. In fact, it has become Porsche’s best-selling model.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t ugly and bloated in appearance. The post- face lifted models are a lot better, but the original design lacked the cohesion of Porsche’s other models. Apparently, buyers didn’t care at all.


Despite all these vehicles not being universally acclaimed, all can claim to be a success to some degree.
Proof that bucking the trend and creating one of your own is sometimes a really smart idea.